the adviser to our school newspaper asked me to write an article for the december issue from the point of view of rudolph the red-nosed reindeer.  i agreed...and this is what i came up with.  thought i'd share it with you all...


Dear Santa,

I won’t be able to come to work on Christmas Eve this year. I know that you’ve been relying on my nose to guide your sleigh for the past 72 years, but I hope the night vision goggles I’ve enclosed will be a good substitute. You’ll also find enclosed a bill for $139.98; the goggles didn’t come cheap. I’d appreciate reimbursement by the end of business on Friday.

The reason I can’t come to work on Christmas is because I’ve become involved in the #OccupyNorthPole protests, and we aren’t taking a break for Christmas. I hope you are able to make the trip to deliver toys to children even if I’m not there. It’s not the kids I’m trying to hurt. It’s you, Santa.

Let me take a moment to speak for the 99%. The 99% is made up of all of us reindeer, plus all the elves who work tirelessly to make toys for you to distribute to kids all around the world. We, the 99%, would like to inform you of the complaints that have caused us to stop working and to join the protest that Prancer started.

1. For a long time you have been violating American law by asking the reindeer to work more than 8 hours on Christmas Eve without paying us time and a half for overtime. Actually, Santa, without paying us AT ALL. Paying us in kind (through food and shelter) is not a valid form of payment under United States law. (You may recall that I was born at the North Pole but my parents were born in Alaska, thus making me a United States citizen.) Minimum wage in the United States is now $7.25/hour, and we reindeer and elves expect to receive at least as much for our invaluable work at the North Pole.

2. Santa, you have always taken the credit for the work we do on Christmas Eve. This credit is built on the backs of countless generations of reindeer and elves. We ask that you make a speech to be broadcast on television and radio of the 193 member countries of the United Nations, plus the Vatican City, Kosovo, and Taiwan which do not have member nation status. In this speech you will acknowledge that the reindeer and elves deserve the credit for the success of Christmas around the world, and that you are merely the face of the organization.

3. How long, Santa, will you continue to discriminate against people who are not Christians and thus do not celebrate Christmas? Our Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, and Hindu brethren deserve presents, too. Include them in your yearly trip around the globe or risk history remembering you as a man who discriminated against the majority of the world’s peoples.

I have my drum and my protest signs. The other reindeer and elves have joined me. There are only a few weeks until Christmas, and what will Christmas be without Rudolph?

Sincerely,
Rudolph