there is a great moment in the movie philomena, which you should absolutely see, where philomena (played by judi dench) turns to an aging nun who has horribly wronged her and says "i forgive you."

her companion is still angry at the nun, and says to philomena, "what?  just like that?"

philomena replies, "it's not just like that.  it's hard.  it's a hard thing to do.  i don't want to hate people.  look at you.  i don't want to be like you."

--

the dixie chicks song "not ready to make nice" puts it this way - and i sing this line in my head a lot: "forgive, sounds good.  forget, i'm not sure i could."

--

i have been struggling with how to write this post for a long time - even whether i should write the post at all...whether i should share this private part of my world on a public space.  but it has been a part of my life for the past year, and at the end of the day i want to share it.

on december 5th a friend of mine entered a minimum security federal prison to begin a 5 year prison term, after 13 months of house arrest.  the crime that he pled guilty to is one that shocks and horrifies me, one that still makes my stomach hurt when i think about it too much.

i have come a long way in those 13 months.  from "he couldn't possibly have done this" to "he did this."  from "a person who does this is a horrible human being" to "good people do bad things."  from "do i call him?" to where i am today, writing letters with "federal corrections institute" in the address and coordinating an email list of people who want to send him books while he's in prison.  he deserves to be punished, but it doesn't have to be by me.

i didn't feel this way immediately, and i know we will never go back to our friendship as it existed 14 months ago.  but he is my friend.  i will never forget what he did, but i forgive him.